How to Wear White.

I do complain a lot. All I have is a cold and an aching shoulder. There are of course people who get as grumpy as me about the things they have to suffer but a few are deserving of our acceptance of this. One such person is Ivan Noble. In the manner of all great self-help tracts, I will cheer up until something worth being grumpy about comes along.

It has been a shock to discover that I am older than Boris Johnson; happy birthday to Boris who says he performed the mental trick of turning 40 some time ago. See Boriswatch for what may or may not be satire, dead or alive. I have just read his Telegraph piece about Seal Clubbing and while you will gather that I do not agree with him, the point about getting priorities right gave a view of the Independent Newspaper as more like a bleeding-heart teenage vegetarian than a rational national organ. I realise that football hooliganism is of more local interest to the British which probably explains why the BBC talking points have many more letters regarding our army of occupation in Portugal than the refugees in Darfur. Solution to the football problems - let's get it out of the way Michael-Moore style and say that in any football competition, the local police set a level for the number of fans of each nationality who may be arrested after which the corresponding national team is sent home. Then of course we can spend all the time which we do analysing this terrible disease that affects the British abroad trying to sort out the really knotty problems which have no definite solution. That all sounds so glib but I have an excuse. I may just fall asleep on the desk.

My wife tells me that I was in the cubicle in casualty for three hours. It seemed like twenty minutes to me. She also tells me that I had an ECG as well, which was normal you thought I was going to say 'which was nice' didn't you? My colleague said that the EEG showed up some pretty wacky stuff but that may have been a joke; it is getting difficult to tell. It seems like Random Friday but it isn't.

Now this really is satire - I think. Can't do any of that I am afraid. It would cause pain and suffering on a huge scale. Funny though and the commercial bit is of course very true.

See you Monday after all the chocolates.