A scandal in this house - this school - something happening at last - nothing really juicy since that plane came down and Stuart started smoking with all that jet fuel around - an idiot and a hero at the same time. What now though. Only hints on the telegraph, the ears at the staff room door. Maybe I should find an excuse and go up there myself. The head still has that book of drawings, I could go and ask for it back. He's usually there with the rest of them on Fridays but might there be an atmosphere that keeps him in his own little room. What to do mein freund? Anyone else coming up there? It's so big it'll make the School Magazine if they let it. I could do the drawings if Leyton doesn't want to do them. Actually he's far better then me, a proper artist and everything, I only trace things. Who cares. They won't let us print anything about this. Expulsions all over the place if we try I bet.
What if it's nothing? Back to the boring life of the potential accountant. That's all the future holds for this wallflower I suppose. Still the world needs accountants. Accountancy doesn't use much beyond the four main operations does it. Not much chance of getting to differentiate or integrate in double-entry is there? Though thinking about it Tricky Dickie did use the third derivative to argue for re-election didn't he, which means there is a small chance of introducing some mad maths to The Treasury. Extending that idea could be very interesting and profitable. Keep a note of this for discussion with Doctor Waters, it'll blow his socks off! We could make money on that idea. Now how to introduce Chaos Theory? All those graphs are based on imaginary numbers (aside - Electricians/Electrical Engineers use j for Sqrt(-1) because i is current - question - why to they need sqrt(-1) at all? How does i/j apply to the real world?). Well how about imaginary money which cancels out when you multiply it by itself? (or reverts to it's inventor).
How about probability? As in Heads I win and Tails you lose. Sounds a bit like the futures market to me. Ah - those pesky derivatives again - because that's what you really need in a food chain isn't it, something that lets you make money off something you'll never see and never have to pay storage costs for. No non-mathematician understands probability properly anyway so you could get away with anything. Chance of a Hurricane stripping all the Oranges off the trees in Florida? No idea. How sure are we to get all that coffee into Starbucks this week seeing as the ship carrying it might well get boarded by pirates? Not a clue. We'll makes fortune. That's your Breakfast Uncertainty Principle sorted. I certainly do know where I am AND how fast I am going thank you very much.
OK, it's not as rigorous as Doctor Bunting might want for a humerus skit this Christmas but it's been fun. Remember - I am the ghost of Christmas future perfect subjunctive - I will show you what would have happened to you, were you not to have changed your ways. Not original I will admit and not quite as funny as The Deputy Prime Minister's Practical Joke at the Expense of The Ex-Lady McCartney (look it up you lazy tyke).
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